f something from the heart. ~ BeautifulSmile♥

I am perfectly made, and wonderfully flawed. Hi

Monday, June 13, 2011

something from the heart.

i always dont know what i want.
well that is pretty common, dont you think?
i want company but i wanna be alone,
i want to be heard, but i dont want to talk,
i want to be loved, but i am not ready for commitment.
thats pretty messed up, right?
have you ever felt that way?

my life is confusing.
often i woke up as someone different than the day before,
and it make it hard to keep track of my thoughts and feelings.
i get scared of what to say because i never know who is talking
and i want a lot of different things in different ways, but nothing sticks.
i dont know what to tell you, i dont know what to tell to anybody.
i am a coward.
nothing i could say will change anything,
if you want to hear what i want to say, you'll just have to get close enough to hear my voice,
as i tell some truths and some lies,
as i try to be something... pure.

of course, i always wanted to be someone strong.
i always have.
i dont want to get easily defeated by those losers that dont worth A THING.
but sometimes i just got defeated in some unknown ways.
because after all, 
i am not so strong. 
i am not. 
i'm just as fragile as everyone else.
i cried a lot. 
i worry about the stupidest thing. 
i miss someone that dont even bother to spend one moment of his life thinking about me. 
i am so much a LOSER. 
just like you. 
just like everyone else. 

and today is not very much a good day. 
i was alone the whole morning in the room, giving me too much time and space to think,
thinking about the unnecessary. 
i wanted time for myself. 
i want to listen to my own self. 
i want to know what makes me feeling as if my life is so bloody hell confusing. 
i want to find out what is it that have been keeping me away from being happy, 

life have not been easy for me, tho. 
i work my ass off to get what i want. 
i have been through terrible times too. 
i know i have not be there when my friends are in need. 
because i understand why they have not been there when i needed them too. 
i know there is no one to be blame. 
all i can do is just to fix myself. 
God knows.

there are too many things on my mind right now. 
i could go insane if this continues. 
i miss too many human beings. 
i have too many things to say. 
i have too many stuff i want to do. 
i just. have. too. many. things. on. my. mind. right. now. 
please make it stop. 

p/s : happy birthday, you. even though we are barely talking anymore, it doesn't mean that i have not been thinking about you. imissyou. i really do. 
have a great birthday, okay ? :)


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