something from the heart.

i always dont know what i want.

well that is pretty common, dont you think?

i want company but i wanna be alone,

i want to be heard, but i dont want to talk,

i want to be loved, but i am not ready for commitment.

thats pretty messed up, right?

have you ever felt that way?

my life is confusing.

often i woke up as someone different than the day before,

and it make it hard to keep track of my thoughts and feelings.

i get scared of what to say because i never know who is talking

and i want a lot of different things in different ways, but nothing sticks.

i dont know what to tell you, i dont know what to tell to anybody.

i am a coward.

nothing i could say will change anything,

if you want to hear what i want to say, you'll just have to get close enough to hear my voice,

as i tell some truths and some lies,

as i try to be something... pure.

of course, i always wanted to be someone strong.

i always have.

i dont want to get easily defeated by those losers that dont worth A THING.

but sometimes i just got defeated in some unknown ways.

because after all, 

i am not so strong. 

i am not. 

really. 

i'm just as fragile as everyone else.

i cried a lot. 

i worry about the stupidest thing. 

i miss someone that dont even bother to spend one moment of his life thinking about me. 

i am so much a LOSER. 

just like you. 

just like everyone else. 

and today is not very much a good day. 

i was alone the whole morning in the room, giving me too much time and space to think,

thinking about the unnecessary. 

i wanted time for myself. 

i want to listen to my own self. 

i want to know what makes me feeling as if my life is so bloody hell confusing. 

i want to find out what is it that have been keeping me away from being happy, 

life have not been easy for me, tho. 

i work my ass off to get what i want. 

i have been through terrible times too. 

i know i have not be there when my friends are in need. 

because i understand why they have not been there when i needed them too. 

i know there is no one to be blame. 

all i can do is just to fix myself. 

how?

God knows.

there are too many things on my mind right now. 

i could go insane if this continues. 

i miss too many human beings. 

i have too many things to say. 

i have too many stuff i want to do. 

i just. have. too. many. things. on. my. mind. right. now. 

please.

please make it stop. 

please.

p/s : happy birthday, you. even though we are barely talking anymore, it doesn't mean that i have not been thinking about you. imissyou. i really do. 

have a great birthday, okay ? :)