hello bloggie.

i am in the room with a stranger. 

that were once called a friend. 

dont worry, i am not here to make a big fuss about someone. 

or to do something close to mengumpat or you know, anything like that.

i am just here to express my feelings of disappointment.

on how someone could be. 

even though we share the same room, 

even though we do studying together, 

even though we have meals together,

you can never know how that one person can really be. 

you'll never know.

well for me,

i have no problem standing alone. 

i have been standing alone all this while, tho. 

i have been making decisions and stuff on my own.

well of course, with the help of beloved family + awesome best friends.

losing a friend here in Lendu wont cost me a thing.

but that is not the point. 

i just hated the way this person being so unprofessional and stuff like that. 

i know professional is a very deep word.

very few people with this value, indeed.

but at least, be mature, then.

i mean, you are already 19.
but well, maturity does not grow with age, tho.
anyways,

there are soooooo many things here in Lendu that make me want to leave Lendu for Shah Alam more.

but i will just be strong and TRULY patience and go through this last stage of Lendu happily.

whatever comes on my way, i will try to take it positively. 

hey, i am a tough girl, you see. 

i will survive.

i will.

watch me.

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today and everyday

I miss a lot of people right now. 

too much to list.

and I miss you bloggie.

sorry I have been ignoring you.

I want to blog about somethingsomething

somethingsomething that is very important, indeed.

but you just have to wait.

I will update you soon.

well, for now, I just want to state that,

I AM OFFICIALLY LEAVING LENDU.

this sem might probably be my last sem here in lendu.

cepat la lambailambai tangan kat saya. 

haha.

insyaAllah, kalau diizinkan, 

I am just sick of everyone around.

I want to meet up new people and start everything over again.

damn, I cant wait for that.

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something from the heart.

i always dont know what i want.

well that is pretty common, dont you think?

i want company but i wanna be alone,

i want to be heard, but i dont want to talk,

i want to be loved, but i am not ready for commitment.

thats pretty messed up, right?

have you ever felt that way?

my life is confusing.

often i woke up as someone different than the day before,

and it make it hard to keep track of my thoughts and feelings.

i get scared of what to say because i never know who is talking

and i want a lot of different things in different ways, but nothing sticks.

i dont know what to tell you, i dont know what to tell to anybody.

i am a coward.

nothing i could say will change anything,

if you want to hear what i want to say, you'll just have to get close enough to hear my voice,

as i tell some truths and some lies,

as i try to be something... pure.

of course, i always wanted to be someone strong.

i always have.

i dont want to get easily defeated by those losers that dont worth A THING.

but sometimes i just got defeated in some unknown ways.

because after all, 

i am not so strong. 

i am not. 

really. 

i'm just as fragile as everyone else.

i cried a lot. 

i worry about the stupidest thing. 

i miss someone that dont even bother to spend one moment of his life thinking about me. 

i am so much a LOSER. 

just like you. 

just like everyone else. 

and today is not very much a good day. 

i was alone the whole morning in the room, giving me too much time and space to think,

thinking about the unnecessary. 

i wanted time for myself. 

i want to listen to my own self. 

i want to know what makes me feeling as if my life is so bloody hell confusing. 

i want to find out what is it that have been keeping me away from being happy, 

life have not been easy for me, tho. 

i work my ass off to get what i want. 

i have been through terrible times too. 

i know i have not be there when my friends are in need. 

because i understand why they have not been there when i needed them too. 

i know there is no one to be blame. 

all i can do is just to fix myself. 

how?

God knows.

there are too many things on my mind right now. 

i could go insane if this continues. 

i miss too many human beings. 

i have too many things to say. 

i have too many stuff i want to do. 

i just. have. too. many. things. on. my. mind. right. now. 

please.

please make it stop. 

please.

p/s : happy birthday, you. even though we are barely talking anymore, it doesn't mean that i have not been thinking about you. imissyou. i really do. 

have a great birthday, okay ? :)

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hello you people with wonderful smiles :)

it have been a while since i come out with a post.
i wanted to blog so much tho, but  lot of it end up in drafts. please do not ask why.
i'm not pretty sure myself either.
there is so much to blog about, actually.
it have been a long week, but i don't feel like talking about anything that happened throughout the week.

so as you all know that i have started my new semester, let me tell you about the life as a PART 3 MASSCOMM STUDENT so far.
well, nothing have change much.
i met new people and some old friends here are finding their way out of my life.
there was already a few dramas at the beginning of the semester but we get through it well.
there is one person that have been such pain to us,
and i still don't understand why am i still talking to her - why ANYONE is talking to her, actually.
guess we are just being nice.
but for me, personally, SHE DON'T WORTH TO BE NICE WITH.
she turns everyone's world upside down - well, not in a good way. -.-

well, despite this little drama, i really wanted my life in Lendu to be better this time.
i want to be nice to everybody.
i want to feel good about myself, to feel safe with my dear friends here.
i have not being racist or anything close to that.
i don't choose my friends based on materials, or education level or by where they are from.
i be friends with them who are nice to be friends with.
i choose my friends that way, yes.
it doesn't matter if you are from the poor, from any place around the world or if you have gotten your Dean's List for your last semester's result or whatnot, if you are nice to me, i am always very keen to appreciate that.
now that is me.

Alhamdulillah, i have been surrounded by a bunch of nice people here in Lendu.
the trust-able human beings that are very pleased to be with.
i have been missing the old days with my old friends too, tho.
they can make me laugh and go crazy like no one could.
well then, everybody have their own lives now.
we are always too busy to check on each other.
sometimes i wanted to call but at times i just thought they'd be busy.
but i know they are doing okay.
and there will be one day when we will catch up with each other again.

i want to work hard for this semester which after all, will not be so easy.
well, last semester's syllabus were not that easy either.
i just have to keep the hard work.
or work harder.
i will try my very best to avoid distraction and pressure and stress and the tense.
i will try to have a comfortable environment for studying and learning and doing assignments.

so you beautiful people, 

you be good. 

i know life is not that easy for you too. 

well, life have been throwing terrible things to everybody, isn't that right?

so just take a step back and breathe at some point.

have the time for yourself. 

and remember one thing,

there is someone out there that love you. 

perhaps more than you could ever imagine.

it is whether you realize or not, 

or it is either for you to choose to believe or not to believe. 

everything is there for you.

all you have to do is open your eyes and mind and heart, 

and you will realize that 

the only thing/person that have been in the middle of your way is,

YOURSELF.

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