Unbreakable

Why do we find shelter in the rain if it is a blessing from The Almighty?
Why do we hide from the sun if sunlight is what we are looking for in gloomy days?
Why are we afraid of the dark when we know that the moon and stars can't shine without it?
Why do we do things we know it is wrong but we do it anyway?
Why do we do such things to hurt people, hurt ourselves?
Why do we do things without thinking and when we think back about it, it was wrong in every way?
Why do we keep doing that?
Why do you think?
Why do you still use the knife when you know it can hurt you?

Feelings.
They are temporary.
We long for the sun on rainy days but then we hide from it when it appears.
When we get it, it feels different, we want different things already.
Some feelings are temporary.
Because things change, people change, situation change.
Some stays. Because it is meant to be.
Like love, and family and friends.
They are unbreakable bonds that gave you a slightly different kind of feelings.
Something stronger and real and certain.
But only you can tell which one is stronger,
Or which one that is just... temporary.

Look around you, everyone. Take a closer look at everybody.
Everyone makes mistakes, and then regret it.
You don't want to be just like one of them.
I don't want you to be.
This is temporary.
Hang on there.
Let the stronger feelings get grip of your heart.
You will see that it worth the wait.
It worth to hold on to what you have now.

I'll be fine.
We will be okay. I promise.

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The Harsh Truth.

You know the moment when you have finally understand something?
Understand why you are afraid and find it hard to trust yourself?
Understand why there are the searing pain every time, all the time, that before this you never understand why and what is the cause?

This is the moment when I have finally understand why.

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Never Try Hard Enough

when I was younger, I was often told;

"you are not trying hard enough!"

It used to make me angry. I would think:

"How do you know?!"

"How can you measure my effort?!"

But at the end of the day, I would still believe;

"They are right."

To this day, despite myself, 

I still do believe it. 

It was engraved into me that success is something earned.

if you succeed, you did that. 

if you don't succeed, you did that too!

No excuses.

No exceptions. 

And yet, nonetheless, the consolation prize received when things don't work out. 

"It is not your fault."

"Life is unfair."

I mean, how can both be true?

"It is not my fault...  but it is my fault?"

This is something I always wonder. 

Either the karmic system exists

That's all that there is to it. 

You can't tell me it does.

Because for some people, they feed on people's misery and they are fine. 

But there is not enough for me to believe it, 

Does it, or doesn't it?

It is a nice sentiment, but I still can't decide. 

All I know is I (think) I've try hard (did I).

Always give 100% or nothing at all. 

and if I fail, it is my fault. 

because anything less than 100% is nothing at all. 

and often, that is why I cry. 

"I sucked."

"I failed."

"I'm worthless."

"Should have try harder"

But I guess it was all just always;

NEVER TRYING HARD ENOUGH. 

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The Sky Is Still Blue

I knew something was not right.
I knew that something will come out of nowhere and just blow everything up.
I knew something would happened.
But I least expect that coming.

Socializing sometimes makes me incredibly anxious. But there are certain people in my sphere who make me feel okay to be the most genuine version of myself, like there is nothing wrong with my true personality and I don't have to morph myself into something I'm not to have fun with them.
We went karaoke-ing yesterday, Ainur, Hafiz and me.
And we ate more pizzas than we should have and my stomach has not forgiven me for the amount of cheese I consumed.
With the heaviest of heart, I headed back to my house.
The moment I get into the car, I knew that I can not run anymore.
And it happened again.
Just like the previous days, the same shits, the same stories, the same people, the same disappointments.
But this time, I ran out of ideas to keep myself numb.
I couldn't believe my ears.
Wondering if this is really happening.
Wondering if these people are really this immature, inconsiderate and short-minded.
Wondering if they might have think of me, or the other people around them if they are okay about what's going to happen.
Too many questions, too much anger.
But I just sit there.
Taking every bit of word that he threw to me.
Swallow it and accept it like I have no other choice.
Because it has always been about him.
Always been about them.
And I will be just fine.
Doing my normal routine like problems never did come to me.
Smile and laugh and always be their happy charm.
Not knowing that deep inside, they are creating a monster.
A monster that feed on my sadness, misery and agony.

But I am going to be okay.
I promised that I wont whine.
At this moment, I don't care if nothing is going to be okay
because there are people who like me enough to scream the worst song ever with the terrible retarded-monkey voice with me.
Whatever that is going to happen will happen.
God knows what He is doing, and I am sure whatever happens is for the better.
I have no more tears to shed in this darkest moment of my life.
But the sky is still blue today, and the sun still shine.
For the better or worst, I am just going to pretend that everything is going to be okay.
I mean, that is what all of us are good at, isn't it? -- Pretending.


Good day, beautiful people. :) 

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