Being Myself.

I care. Sometimes too little, sometimes too much.
I pretend. A lot.
I hid my feelings and emotions.
I am being very selective in choosing people to share my problems.
I worry too much.
I think too much.
I love too much.
I strive for perfection.
Obsessed about being happy.
I am easily annoyed.
I got angry easily.
My emotion could change at the blink of an eye.
I am straight forward.
I am selfish at times.
I am dying to make my friends happy -- but at times I failed miserably.
I ignore because I don't want to get hurt.
I distance myself because I don't let anyone to hurt me.
I'm scared.
I love myself no more than I love the people I love.
I held grudge.
I got jealous.
I believe what's mine is mine.
I find it hard to swallow criticism.
I regret on my words most of the time.
I regret on most of my actions most of the time.
I believe in magic.
I believe in something unbelievable.
I like fat people, they are interesting people.
I like being friends with gays, because they are more of a loyal friend -- at least some of them.
I have ideas but I am bad at planning.
I hate surprises.
I love food.
I love to smile.
I love to hide behind my smile.
I like to work alone.
I am very choosy, very selective and very peculiar.
I am observant.
I cried and screamed to my pillow to feel better.
I have a miserable life.
I constantly feel like I am the only one who cares.
I am always stress, depress and over react at times.
I hardly voice out my thoughts.
I am ALWAYS afraid.
I am always uncertain.
I am indecisive.
I rage a lot, but incapable of hate.
I keep knowing things that I am not supposed to / don't want to know
I am poor.
I have so many high expectations on myself and people I look up to.
I am a dreamer.
I fell for people who fell for someone else.
I got hurt. A lot.
I live.
I breathe.
I learn each and everyday.
I stand still and strong despite of all the shits that life had threw on me.
I will stay strong.
For myself and for everyone I love.
I will hold on to every bit of my hope and faith.

Hi. my name is Suhaida and I don't live in the fairytale. My life is not as easy as yours. Being me is perhaps the last person on earth you want to be. I am nothing like you'd ever imagine. I have gone through the toughest road that I doubt anyone of you have been through. I have witness the most terrible of things. I have had to swallow the most bitter fact that ever exist in the world. I have been down on my knees and I might be again. I fall, I break, I crawl and keep on going. I smile, I laugh and tell the world that everything is going to be okay. I be strong for myself so that I can stay strong beside the people I love.

You think you had the worst day/week/month/year/life?
Well, think again.

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Apprehensive

It's not that I don't love you. 
I am just afraid.
Afraid of falling in love, falling into something that feels unreal. 
Afraid of holding on to something that I cannot touch, feel, smell or see... holding on to the unsure feelings. 
I'm afraid because I don't know what is it. 
Was it love, or lust, or am I just lonely? Maybe I just need some kind of distraction, maybe I liked you, maybe I care, or I don't. I don't know. 

Or maybe I was afraid of getting hurt. 
Afraid to lose you at the tip of my fingertips. 
Afraid with the fact that you might found someone else, someone better. 
Afraid that I couldn't find someone else if that happens. 
Afraid that maybe you are my greatest mistake and regret.
Afraid of losing myself in exchange with the feelings of wanting you. 

I'm afraid of falling in love. 
Because it is not something concrete, something real -- something that I could touch and hold and make sure I won't lose it.  
It's about taking chances, and gamble your way down the road. 
where will it go, how will it end? 
Can you tell?
Can you point at someone and scream to the world that you are sure that that person is made for you? 
Can you be sure that that particular person will stay with you and love your flaws?
Could you tell? 




I'm sorry because I can't. And I am not ready to take any chances for now. 
I am sorry. 

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