Never Try Hard Enough

when I was younger, I was often told;

"you are not trying hard enough!"

It used to make me angry. I would think:

"How do you know?!"

"How can you measure my effort?!"

But at the end of the day, I would still believe;

"They are right."

To this day, despite myself, 

I still do believe it. 

It was engraved into me that success is something earned.

if you succeed, you did that. 

if you don't succeed, you did that too!

No excuses.

No exceptions. 

And yet, nonetheless, the consolation prize received when things don't work out. 

"It is not your fault."

"Life is unfair."

I mean, how can both be true?

"It is not my fault...  but it is my fault?"

This is something I always wonder. 

Either the karmic system exists

That's all that there is to it. 

You can't tell me it does.

Because for some people, they feed on people's misery and they are fine. 

But there is not enough for me to believe it, 

Does it, or doesn't it?

It is a nice sentiment, but I still can't decide. 

All I know is I (think) I've try hard (did I).

Always give 100% or nothing at all. 

and if I fail, it is my fault. 

because anything less than 100% is nothing at all. 

and often, that is why I cry. 

"I sucked."

"I failed."

"I'm worthless."

"Should have try harder"

But I guess it was all just always;

NEVER TRYING HARD ENOUGH.