The Harsh Truth.

You know the moment when you have finally understand something?
Understand why you are afraid and find it hard to trust yourself?
Understand why there are the searing pain every time, all the time, that before this you never understand why and what is the cause?

This is the moment when I have finally understand why.

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Never Try Hard Enough

when I was younger, I was often told;

"you are not trying hard enough!"

It used to make me angry. I would think:

"How do you know?!"

"How can you measure my effort?!"

But at the end of the day, I would still believe;

"They are right."

To this day, despite myself, 

I still do believe it. 

It was engraved into me that success is something earned.

if you succeed, you did that. 

if you don't succeed, you did that too!

No excuses.

No exceptions. 

And yet, nonetheless, the consolation prize received when things don't work out. 

"It is not your fault."

"Life is unfair."

I mean, how can both be true?

"It is not my fault...  but it is my fault?"

This is something I always wonder. 

Either the karmic system exists

That's all that there is to it. 

You can't tell me it does.

Because for some people, they feed on people's misery and they are fine. 

But there is not enough for me to believe it, 

Does it, or doesn't it?

It is a nice sentiment, but I still can't decide. 

All I know is I (think) I've try hard (did I).

Always give 100% or nothing at all. 

and if I fail, it is my fault. 

because anything less than 100% is nothing at all. 

and often, that is why I cry. 

"I sucked."

"I failed."

"I'm worthless."

"Should have try harder"

But I guess it was all just always;

NEVER TRYING HARD ENOUGH. 

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The Sky Is Still Blue

I knew something was not right.
I knew that something will come out of nowhere and just blow everything up.
I knew something would happened.
But I least expect that coming.

Socializing sometimes makes me incredibly anxious. But there are certain people in my sphere who make me feel okay to be the most genuine version of myself, like there is nothing wrong with my true personality and I don't have to morph myself into something I'm not to have fun with them.
We went karaoke-ing yesterday, Ainur, Hafiz and me.
And we ate more pizzas than we should have and my stomach has not forgiven me for the amount of cheese I consumed.
With the heaviest of heart, I headed back to my house.
The moment I get into the car, I knew that I can not run anymore.
And it happened again.
Just like the previous days, the same shits, the same stories, the same people, the same disappointments.
But this time, I ran out of ideas to keep myself numb.
I couldn't believe my ears.
Wondering if this is really happening.
Wondering if these people are really this immature, inconsiderate and short-minded.
Wondering if they might have think of me, or the other people around them if they are okay about what's going to happen.
Too many questions, too much anger.
But I just sit there.
Taking every bit of word that he threw to me.
Swallow it and accept it like I have no other choice.
Because it has always been about him.
Always been about them.
And I will be just fine.
Doing my normal routine like problems never did come to me.
Smile and laugh and always be their happy charm.
Not knowing that deep inside, they are creating a monster.
A monster that feed on my sadness, misery and agony.

But I am going to be okay.
I promised that I wont whine.
At this moment, I don't care if nothing is going to be okay
because there are people who like me enough to scream the worst song ever with the terrible retarded-monkey voice with me.
Whatever that is going to happen will happen.
God knows what He is doing, and I am sure whatever happens is for the better.
I have no more tears to shed in this darkest moment of my life.
But the sky is still blue today, and the sun still shine.
For the better or worst, I am just going to pretend that everything is going to be okay.
I mean, that is what all of us are good at, isn't it? -- Pretending.


Good day, beautiful people. :) 

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A Blessing In Disguise.

I know that bad things happened to everyone, everybody has a hard time in their lives. They have problems, complications, conflicts, big decisions to make and the worst of everything to anybody. Truth is, there's nothing in life that can destroy you but yourself. Yes, bad things happened to everyone, and when they do, we can't just fall apart and die. We must fight back.

"I cried because I had no shoes

but then I met a man with no feet"

I'm sorry that I whined about it. I'm sorry that I've over reacted. I'm sorry that I cursed away, run away and keep blaming other people for putting me through such misery. I'm sorry that I haven't tried to even fight for what's right. I'm sorry that I haven't pray for it to get better as much as I have been complaining about it.

And for the utmost of the apologies, I am sorry that I not been noticing the great things that have been happening despite whatever shitty things life has put me through. I am sorry that I have not been acknowledging the people that have always been around me whenever I feel like everything else are going against me. I am sorry that I have not been appreciating their existence in my life and took them for granted. I am sorry that I keep on being blinded by the bad things that I couldn't see, the people who have been among the greatest people that I've known of, were always by my side, being such wonderful supporters.

To you, the small girl with the biggest of heart, I am sorry that I have not been spending time with you. It's just that I was in such a mess, and I don't want you to see me like this. Besides, you are the only one that can make me talk about things and cry. I don't want to cry, therefore I don't want to talk about it. You're the best-est friend I ever own, for that, I thank you. I'll see you soon enough. :)

To my partner in crime, the most motherly friend I of mine, you too, have been a great supporter and a sweet helping hand throughout all of the bad times. Sometimes, just for the fact that you are around could make me feel safe and away from everything that weighs me down.

And to the nicest man in the world. If you are reading this, which I am pretty positive that you will, I think you have no idea how much you have helped me. It has only been the second month of the semester, and I don't believe that I could survive it so far if it is not because of you. I might be a depressed animal without you, your help and your annoying sarcastic bitchy jokes. I hope that things will turn out great for you because you deserve all the happiness in the world for... well, I don't know... for being you. Big thanks.

There are a lot more to list, a lot more things to be thankful for happening and a lot of people to be grateful for having. Today I realize that it takes two to tango, there wont be any conflicts if I don't make any conflict out of it. Today I realize that there's no time to whine and keep asking myself and people and God; why does all of these things happened to me, but it is time to ask my self what have learned about it, what do I do to make things better.

It is not about why or how did I get here. It's about where to go from here.

Thank you. Thanks a whole lot. :) you, you and you know whoever you are. Everyone.  I'll head back to PJ today with a little bit more faith, determination and will to change. InsyaAllah.

Good day, beautiful people. Much love.

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Being Myself.

I care. Sometimes too little, sometimes too much.
I pretend. A lot.
I hid my feelings and emotions.
I am being very selective in choosing people to share my problems.
I worry too much.
I think too much.
I love too much.
I strive for perfection.
Obsessed about being happy.
I am easily annoyed.
I got angry easily.
My emotion could change at the blink of an eye.
I am straight forward.
I am selfish at times.
I am dying to make my friends happy -- but at times I failed miserably.
I ignore because I don't want to get hurt.
I distance myself because I don't let anyone to hurt me.
I'm scared.
I love myself no more than I love the people I love.
I held grudge.
I got jealous.
I believe what's mine is mine.
I find it hard to swallow criticism.
I regret on my words most of the time.
I regret on most of my actions most of the time.
I believe in magic.
I believe in something unbelievable.
I like fat people, they are interesting people.
I like being friends with gays, because they are more of a loyal friend -- at least some of them.
I have ideas but I am bad at planning.
I hate surprises.
I love food.
I love to smile.
I love to hide behind my smile.
I like to work alone.
I am very choosy, very selective and very peculiar.
I am observant.
I cried and screamed to my pillow to feel better.
I have a miserable life.
I constantly feel like I am the only one who cares.
I am always stress, depress and over react at times.
I hardly voice out my thoughts.
I am ALWAYS afraid.
I am always uncertain.
I am indecisive.
I rage a lot, but incapable of hate.
I keep knowing things that I am not supposed to / don't want to know
I am poor.
I have so many high expectations on myself and people I look up to.
I am a dreamer.
I fell for people who fell for someone else.
I got hurt. A lot.
I live.
I breathe.
I learn each and everyday.
I stand still and strong despite of all the shits that life had threw on me.
I will stay strong.
For myself and for everyone I love.
I will hold on to every bit of my hope and faith.

Hi. my name is Suhaida and I don't live in the fairytale. My life is not as easy as yours. Being me is perhaps the last person on earth you want to be. I am nothing like you'd ever imagine. I have gone through the toughest road that I doubt anyone of you have been through. I have witness the most terrible of things. I have had to swallow the most bitter fact that ever exist in the world. I have been down on my knees and I might be again. I fall, I break, I crawl and keep on going. I smile, I laugh and tell the world that everything is going to be okay. I be strong for myself so that I can stay strong beside the people I love.

You think you had the worst day/week/month/year/life?
Well, think again.

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Apprehensive

It's not that I don't love you. 
I am just afraid.
Afraid of falling in love, falling into something that feels unreal. 
Afraid of holding on to something that I cannot touch, feel, smell or see... holding on to the unsure feelings. 
I'm afraid because I don't know what is it. 
Was it love, or lust, or am I just lonely? Maybe I just need some kind of distraction, maybe I liked you, maybe I care, or I don't. I don't know. 

Or maybe I was afraid of getting hurt. 
Afraid to lose you at the tip of my fingertips. 
Afraid with the fact that you might found someone else, someone better. 
Afraid that I couldn't find someone else if that happens. 
Afraid that maybe you are my greatest mistake and regret.
Afraid of losing myself in exchange with the feelings of wanting you. 

I'm afraid of falling in love. 
Because it is not something concrete, something real -- something that I could touch and hold and make sure I won't lose it.  
It's about taking chances, and gamble your way down the road. 
where will it go, how will it end? 
Can you tell?
Can you point at someone and scream to the world that you are sure that that person is made for you? 
Can you be sure that that particular person will stay with you and love your flaws?
Could you tell? 




I'm sorry because I can't. And I am not ready to take any chances for now. 
I am sorry. 

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Self Reminder

Assalamualaikum and hi.

This might sounds absurd but food does really make me feel better. Good food to be exact. I realized that when I caught myself eating like nobody's business when I am depressed and I really feel a lot better then. I am not joking this time. Does this happen to all of you too? I find it really hard to believe because when you are depressed or sad mostly you wont even have the appetite to eat. Or maybe it depends on individual. I don't know.

What makes you feel better, people? What is it, please just tell me? People lied because they don't want to hurt the people that they love with the truth and that the truths are really ugly that sometimes, it wont be able to save the situation. If the truth breaks you down and that lies can make you happy, which one will you choose? Choose the truth of choose to be happy?

Remember how some people choose to not want to know? Sometimes they pretend that they didn't know what happened, or try to understand what actually that have been going on, do you know exactly why? -- because they are avoiding the truth. They don't want to know, because they can not handle it. They just couldn't swallow the fact, the truth. So they go on and live a lie. or maybe lies. And sometimes, life turned out to be better that way, dont you think? Sometimes we rage when people lied to us. But haven't you been lying too? Ever thought of the reason why you lied? Have you never lied to yourself? Not even once?

Truth is, everybody lies. And most of the time, we lied to ourselves. Because that is the best and easiest way to make us feel better.

You said you will change just to forgive yourself on the wrong things that you did.
You said it didn't hurt just to appear strong and untouchable.
You said you don't love that particular someone because you feel that by admitting that, it means you lost in the game that you create yourself in your head.
You said to yourself that you don't give a damn because you know you cannot make him/her stay.

Listen, people.
Stop lying to yourself.
It's okay to not be okay sometimes.
It's okay to admit that you're hurt.
It's okay if you make some mistake, or even a lot of them; as long as you know how to learn from it.
It is okay to fail in loving someone, it is okay to cry. It doesn't make you a lousy person, a loser or weak. In fact, you will turn out stronger than ever. You will honestly and sincerely believe that truth is a beautiful thing indeed. You just need to open your damn stubborn heart to  ACCEPT it. We all make mistakes. Keep your head up, swallow it and live.


So, beautiful people. What makes you feel better?

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Reminder

Hi. Just a quick quick reminder to those who are reading this, or have been reading my blog that I don't blog for you. I blog for my self. I write what I feel like writing. I write out what I cannot express verbally. I blog to satisfy my self. Not you. So if you choose to read, then go ahead and read. Do not tell me what to and what not to write. Don't come up to me and tell me that you don't like what I wrote because if you don't like it, you know where is the exit button is. Stray away and don't bother to come back.

I am sorry if this sounds a little harsh but sometimes, I got tired of people criticizing something they are not supposed to care that much. This is my story. You don't like it then stop reading. At least if you critique my grammar mistakes then it would be something to learn on. Ni nak cakap pasal kau particularly don't like that post because it is clearly about you and kau nak terasa lebihlebih kann? lol.

I feel like it has been a while since I write something in BM in my blog.

Oh well, ada masalah ke bro? Kesian. hikhik adios!

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Hello Beautiful 2013!

2013, people. What have you achieved so far?
It is the 19th day of the new year, how has it been treating you?

2013 had been a good start for me, Alhamdulillah. I am still standing, still breathing, still growing some body tissues and perhaps some fat. I am on my semester break now, which I think pretty awesome. It feels like 2013 is giving me a break from the awful and exhausting 2012. But I am told not to whine. Everything has it good and bad part. 2012 had been good to me in some ways too. Pretty sure of that. There are still some things that can make thought of it and smile away. Something worth standing for. I've broken some rules and run through rough roads. But those things that make our lives worth living.

I've learned a lot from the previous year. I fell hard, I failed, I been down on my knees, I sat on that corner and cried for the entire night, I screamed to the pillow for a better day, I fake a smile, I laughed like there's no tomorrow, I got high on chocolates, I went on the craziest road trip, I live. At second thought, those imperfect days that make my life so perfect now. The mistakes, the wrong choice, the wrong decision, the wrong path taken, all of those things that took me to the most incredible journey that I am proud of experiencing.

For the beautiful people who have been reading my blog even after all of these years, I would love to thank each and every one of you. Thank you for spending a bit of your time reading this ridiculous post that I wrote mostly about my life. If you realize I always write emo posts because when I am happy I am too busy living it and basically this is where I let go of my sadness and agony. My blog is a place where I talk to myself and how I tell myself to feel better and to be better. I blogged for myself. I am not blogging for people to read it. I blogged for myself. Not for other people's pleasure or leisure. Mind that. It's just that I don't mind people reading it because sometimes it is good to share your experiences and feelings. Sometimes it makes you/us/me feel like; "so I am not the only one in the world with these awful feelings."

Yes people, you are not the only one with feelings. Other people do too. You are not the only one with problems; some people are facing even bigger piece of shit that life threw to them. Sometimes, there are no use to whine and to feel like the world's biggest problem is on your shoulders. In the end, everybody got makes mistakes, everybody got hurt because we are humans, we have feelings, we are flawed but that is what we are, those imperfections that define ourselves. Keep your heads up, swallow it down and live. Move on. There are better things to look up on ahead of you.

Sometimes, just SOMETIMES, you have to forget what you feel and remember what you deserve. You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. You're on your own, and you know what you know... and you are the one who will decide where to go next.

Take care, beautiful people. :)



p/s : Since I promised Aimanoman I am going to write something about him, here goes nothing: you appear on Twitter at almost every time when I needed some distraction and you will be doing/tweet something for me to laugh on. You are a good friend. Thank you. Stay awesome :3

p/p/s : I have this ask.fm account that you can ask me about anything. I would like it if you drop some nice songs that I can listen to because I am actually getting tired of the same songs. Click here to go to the page. :)

p/p/p/s : I love my best friends.

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This is For You.

Hi. I finally come to write off my final words for you.
How are you?
I know you are doing perfectly fine, happy as you always been. I'm glad. :)

So actually if I were come to think about it, sure we can still be friends. We can settle things like grown ups, and I can still tolerate with my feelings for you if you would've come to your senses and take my feelings into consideration before you decided to break my heart like that. I'll admit that I've missed you. Sometimes just a thought, wondering if you are alright, sometimes just way too much that my heart couldn't bear it.

I am incapable to hate. I, of course, hate what you did, but it takes so much more to make me hate you. After all, you did make me smile, even just for a while, but I have to appreciate that.

Well, I never got the chance to say this so here goes nothing;
Thank you. Thank you, simply for everything. The memories, the fights, the smiles, the laughs, the looking-into-each-other's-eyes moments, the sweet long texts, the  long talk, the all-night skyping, the Love (if there was any) the short idea of 'us'. Thank you for all those and a lot more. I am happy to tell you that there was one day, that I was thinking about you, about all the stupid things we did and said, and I realize that it still could make me smile... and it didn't hurt me anymore. you, your words, your memories, they are all a part of me, they made me who I am now, they cannot bring me down. I choose to let them be a part of me. I choose to be happy.

You are free now, free to live, to laugh, to do whateverthefuckyouwannado, free to love and be happy. I know I used to wish bad things to you but now, I sincerely wish you well. I'll forgive myself for letting me committing mistakes by mistakes, and I forgive you for whatever happens even if you never did to even have the urge to apologize and clear things out with me. I forgive you.

I hope you will finally get grip of  'theloveofyourlife' that you have been talking about. well Charmain retweeted your tweet the other day and I remember reading about this girl on your tweets before I unfollowed you. So please don't think I stalked you, I have no time to, actually. pfft. -.- by the way, make no mistake no more you. keep her. she is one lucky girl because you are beautiful.


So hi, beautiful readers. My name is Suhaida and I am the kind of girl that will choose to dance in the rain and smile while walking through the toughest road because I believe that we all live the pain or the happiness for a reason. We just have to open our hearts to be able to see it.

It takes more than being a bitch to bring me down. I am stronger than you think. Much stronger.

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