Together Forever

"we all thought we would be together forever but somewhere between all the arguments and the laughter, we realized that maybe it isn't meant to last forever; that we are meant to move on to become the people we all know we can be, to follow the dreams we have set ourselves. It is time that we all remember what we have been through to get to this place, the people we have known, helped and had help ourselves. These are the memories that last a lifetime. So, maybe we wont be in each others presence forever, but we will be in each other's hearts forever and more."

...you will always be a part of my heart. deep deep deep down inside, I shall bury you there. 

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Half of My Heart.

I keep thinking you’re just going to randomly text me and tell me all the feelings you’ve been hiding. The same ones I have. That you remember all the cute things I did, all the stupid stuff I said. That you’ll just text me and tell me I’m the one you want. The one you keep thinking about. I want you to tell me the only reason you left was because you got scared of the feelings you had or because you wanted me too much. Just anything that would still give me the slightest bit of hope.

...but then I woke up and tell myself; don't be such an idiot. It is hopeless anyway. neither you nor the relationship was worth it. NEITHER. You've made it clear to me. 

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GTFO

I don't blame you.
You are beautiful.
Please, if you want to go, please just leave.
Why you have to find my faults to point?

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Challenge Accepted?

1. Name, please.
Siti Suhaida Sulaiman

2. Approximate Age?
20years and 7days. shit, I'm old. -.-

3. Are you happy in your life?
what's happy? 

4. Do you feel like anything is missing? If so, what do you want?
Everything I've lost. 

5. Do you plan on being a musician/artist/writer?
writer 

6. Do you think you are artistic?
not anymore. 

7. Have you ever tried hard drugs?
no.

8. If so, have they changed your life?
It would've. not in a good way. 

9. What age would you like to die?
now. 

10. Would you let your kids smoke weed?
never a million times

11. Are you an angry person?
generally? yes actually.

12. Do you laugh a lot, but don’t really mean it?
I don't laugh a lot. but when I do, I meant it. 

13. Do you like to think you are popular?
I don't like to think anything. 

14. Describe your most terrifying dream.
being chased by a / a million frogs. 

15. What band would you die to see live?
Train. Simple Plan. 

16. How would you like to die?
quick and painless and devour to God. 

17. What’s your opinion on self-mutilation?
who am I to judge wht people want to do to themselves.

18. Do you believe in capitalism?
what's that? :)

19. Communism?
Communists are assholes.

20. Libertarianism?
Freedom. 

21. Would you rather be an anarchist or a socialite?
anarchist

22. Freedom of speech or controlled society?
freedom of speech.

23. Obama or Bush?
obama. 

24. Would you consider yourself intelligent?
emotionally, maybe. 

25. When was the last time you cried?
few minutes ago. 

26. When was the last time you laughed?
few hours ago when I watch this weird movie that made me feel better. 

27. Who is your last text from?
My unty. Asking if I have texted the guy my grandma wants me to be married with. 

28. What did it say?
"Kaklang, dah message dia ke belum?"

29. Ever had your ass kicked?
yes, by my bestfriend, Chrissy. but most of the time she is too short to reach my ass. 

30. What’s your middle name?
Awesome.

31. Single or taken?
Taken. Taken for granted. 

32. If taken, do you love this person?
sureeeeeeee.

33. If single, what are you looking for in someone?
a man. not an asshole. 

34. Sex or love?
seriously, how can anyone have sex without love?

35. Who is your best friend?
ASN. BSSJ. CJN. MKA.

36. Why is this person your best friend?
they make me feel better just by having them around me. 

37. Are you moody?
abit. maybe. 

38. Are you depressed?
I'm a depressed animal. but I am learning to shake it off. 

39. What do you think of abortion?
Against. 

40. Are you in a good mood today?
no. not really. maybe for a while when I have this crazy moments with lil bros and funny tweet conversation with friends. 

41. If not, why are you not?
Because I am a depressed animal. 

42. Are you afraid of the swine flu?
idgaf.

43. Are you afraid to be yourself?
maybe. a bit. yeah. 

44. What would you label yourself?
Undefinable. 

45. Do you live with your parents?
yes. 

46. How many siblings do you have?
two insanely good looking yet practically useless elder brothers and two amazingly annoying lil brothers. choose. 

47. Do you wear skinny jeans?
sometimes. 

48. Are you emo?
a lot of time. I'm trying to shake it off. 

49. Are you aware that all emo kids look exactly the same?
this makes me wanna rethink about the previous question. emo emotionally or physically? o.O
oh btw, yes I do aware. 

50.Are you a hater?
I WISH I know how to hate. 

51. Are you anti-rasict?
what is race? 

52. Explain your personality in 3 word.
Sensitive. Deep. Dreamer. 

53. What do you wish your name was?
eff this. I love my name.

54. How old do you want to be when you get married?
26.

55. What do you want to name your kids?
Girl- Dian Nasuha
Boy- Naufal

56. What kind of hairstyle do you want?
long and straight but wavy. hew hew

57. When was the last time you brushed your teeth?
20 minutes ago.

58. What are you wearing right now?
really?

59. Say something random.
I miss you.

60. What do you wear to bed?
depends. 

61. What color is your underwear?
-.-

62. Am I getting too personal?
tell me about it. 

63. What’s your view on nihilism?
WHAT IS THAT 

64. Pacifism?
okaybye.

65. Do you think the drug culture is misunderstood?
I dont care.

66. Are you a fan of Hunter S Thompson?
dont know who's that.

67. Do you read literature?
depends.

68. Do you love horror movies?
I do. but yea...

69. What’s your favourite one?
Exorcism of Emily Rose.

70. Do you like comedies?
not the one with stupid sick jokes.

71. Are you a smoker?
no.

72. Do you smoke cigars/cigarillos?
no.

73. Do you have anger problems?
yes.

74. Do you know someone who has a mental illness?
no.

75. Have you had someone close to you die of cancer?
yes. my dad's bos' wife. she made the best baked macaroni that I missed till now.  

76. What do you want to be next Halloween?
nothing.

77. What grade are you in?
seriously? dont make me feel old.

78. When do you graduate?
school? 2 and a half years ago.

79. Do you talk to yourself?
when I am depressed. yes. all the time. 

80. What color are your toenails?
I dont paint my nails. 

81. Has anyone ever told you you have a nice smile?
sure. 

82. Nice eyes?
not my best quality. sepet a bit. though I actually hate small eyes.

83. Ever broken a bone?
broken arm once. yea.

84. Got a black eye?
no.

85. Nose bleed?
no.

86. Ever been so mad you cried?
yes.

87. What’s your favourite quote?
don't get mad. get even. 

88. Are you listening to anything right now?
yes. someone is being a bitch. 

89. What are you addicted to?
sadness.

90. Do you like silver hair?
seriously?

91. Would you ever fight a famous boxer?
no. i might die. 

92. Could you take on kimbo slice?
i dont know whats that.

93.Can you even fist fight?
erm. i guess.

94. Do you work out?
haha. no. 

95. Are you in good physical condition?
Alhamdulillah.

96. Do you get creeped out by puppets?
no.

97. If you could be any celebrity by one day, who would you be?
Taylor Swift.

98. Do you have any phobias?
Frogs. 

99. Ever been mauled by a wild animal?
no. 

100. Do you think you could be a Suicide Girl?
-.-

101. What about a playboy bunny?
not interested. 

102. Are you an insomniac?
sometimes.

103. Do you take birth control?
why would I?

104. Are these questions pointless?
definitely. but wth, they're killing time.

105. Favourite color?
white and red.

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Happy.

My life is empty.
Totally empty.

I look around me and there is no one I can tell that actually cares about me the way they said they do.
No one.
Look, I am not here to whine about the people that hasn't been there for me whenever I need them the most.
I am not here to whine about anything.
I am just here to find myself.
The one that has gone.
Gone.

20 years of living, Suhaida, what have I achieved?

I woke up everyday and stare at my empty screened laptop because there are usually someone there that I always woke up to.
I woke up everyday, made myself a cup of Milo and trying to smile because there's a book telling me to do that for a better day.
I woke up every single effing day and ask myself, is this going to stay forever?
This awful feeling,
the fact that I have to pretend every single day that I am happy to actually be happy?
the moments when I have to beg myself to stop crying and be strong and wipe my own tears and tell myself that everything is going to be okay?
How long will I have to go through this?

I know shit happens to everybody.
I know that Allah put us in misery to test our patience and see how we handle things.
I just thought this is a bit too much.
Where am I, who I am, what have I been through.
They are all too much to take.
All I want is a better day for myself.
I want to look myself in the mirror and smile and this time I know that I am not pretending.
for whatever reason at all, I just want to be happy.
I missed myself being happy.
and that is it.
THAT IS IT.
I don't want anything else anymore.
just that.
I just want to be happy.
That's all.

I have to break free from the chains that bind me.
I am the solutions to my own problems.
I am the one in the whole world that can myself and my life better.
Just me.
I have to learn to not count on anyone else to be happy.

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Don't feel bad.

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Random Thought.

It's weird that I have been thinking about you lately.
Well, not in any way that you think I would think of you but yea, I did thought of you.
People said, it's okay to miss someone; it is a part of moving on but it annoys you when someone is trying to bring up the feeling that you've learned to forget. 

I know that we've stopped contacting each other.
I just hope that it will stay this way.
It helps a lot.

If you're reading this, I want you to take good care of yourself.
Find yourself a decent girl and don't take her for granted.
Don't tell her you love her if you see no future with her.
Don't get too angry, don't ignore her too long.
Hold her, make her feel wanted, make her feel that she belongs with you.
and don't say words if you don't mean it and mean what you said -- because WORDS; they cannot be taken back.

p/s: I remember every fucking word you said to me. even the one on our first date.

p/p/s: I am happy now. Thanks to you. :)

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Back ♥

Life is unexpectedly beautiful. Sometimes it is unexpectedly too good to be true.
I always believe that the end of something always means a beginning of something else. And I believe that everything happens for a reason. - We live, we grow up, we make mistakes and then we live with it. And it is up to us to smile and laugh about the mistakes and not to repeat it, or just frown yourself up and keep hoping that you can go back to the past and change things.
guess what, fellas.
you cant.
you cant just go back to the past and change things, it doesn't work that way.
A mistake is a mistake, it will always remain as a mistake. It would still makes us feel a bit stupid at times. and what broke the heart, the ache is still there somehow - doesn't matter how you forgives and try to sooth it away, it will always be there.

Hi everyone. I am yet to tell you another story.
well, a part of me has just gone.
let's see what's left of me :)

by the way,
How are you, beautiful people? :)

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despicable me

“We used to call it her Cinderella complex, because often when she had agreed to go out in the evening she would be seized by panic and announce that she had nothing to wear.” 
― Emma Donoghue

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When you were busy making me cry, he was trying his best to make me smile again.
When you left me without words, he was up awake till late a night trying to make up conversation with me.
When you were trying hard not to hold my hand in public, he was trying hard to have my hand in his all of the time.
When you hide me away from your friends, he proudly introduce me to his.
...
and I have the thought of you refuse to accept the birthday gift i gave you because you don't want to crack your head worry about what to give me for my birthday.
so that you don't have to feel guilty if you couldn't get me anything for my birthday.
funny that i have that kind of thought.
but i think that is EXACTLY the reason why you did what you did.
and for that, FUCK YOU, BRO.
fuck you.

Maybe I lost my ability to love the way I love you.
I cant have those feelings I have for you with someone else.
crazy. but true.
Maybe he cant make me laugh the way you do.
But at least, he didn't make me cry.
and I know he never will.

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