Self Reminder

Assalamualaikum and hi.

This might sounds absurd but food does really make me feel better. Good food to be exact. I realized that when I caught myself eating like nobody's business when I am depressed and I really feel a lot better then. I am not joking this time. Does this happen to all of you too? I find it really hard to believe because when you are depressed or sad mostly you wont even have the appetite to eat. Or maybe it depends on individual. I don't know.

What makes you feel better, people? What is it, please just tell me? People lied because they don't want to hurt the people that they love with the truth and that the truths are really ugly that sometimes, it wont be able to save the situation. If the truth breaks you down and that lies can make you happy, which one will you choose? Choose the truth of choose to be happy?

Remember how some people choose to not want to know? Sometimes they pretend that they didn't know what happened, or try to understand what actually that have been going on, do you know exactly why? -- because they are avoiding the truth. They don't want to know, because they can not handle it. They just couldn't swallow the fact, the truth. So they go on and live a lie. or maybe lies. And sometimes, life turned out to be better that way, dont you think? Sometimes we rage when people lied to us. But haven't you been lying too? Ever thought of the reason why you lied? Have you never lied to yourself? Not even once?

Truth is, everybody lies. And most of the time, we lied to ourselves. Because that is the best and easiest way to make us feel better.

You said you will change just to forgive yourself on the wrong things that you did.
You said it didn't hurt just to appear strong and untouchable.
You said you don't love that particular someone because you feel that by admitting that, it means you lost in the game that you create yourself in your head.
You said to yourself that you don't give a damn because you know you cannot make him/her stay.

Listen, people.
Stop lying to yourself.
It's okay to not be okay sometimes.
It's okay to admit that you're hurt.
It's okay if you make some mistake, or even a lot of them; as long as you know how to learn from it.
It is okay to fail in loving someone, it is okay to cry. It doesn't make you a lousy person, a loser or weak. In fact, you will turn out stronger than ever. You will honestly and sincerely believe that truth is a beautiful thing indeed. You just need to open your damn stubborn heart to  ACCEPT it. We all make mistakes. Keep your head up, swallow it and live.


So, beautiful people. What makes you feel better?

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Reminder

Hi. Just a quick quick reminder to those who are reading this, or have been reading my blog that I don't blog for you. I blog for my self. I write what I feel like writing. I write out what I cannot express verbally. I blog to satisfy my self. Not you. So if you choose to read, then go ahead and read. Do not tell me what to and what not to write. Don't come up to me and tell me that you don't like what I wrote because if you don't like it, you know where is the exit button is. Stray away and don't bother to come back.

I am sorry if this sounds a little harsh but sometimes, I got tired of people criticizing something they are not supposed to care that much. This is my story. You don't like it then stop reading. At least if you critique my grammar mistakes then it would be something to learn on. Ni nak cakap pasal kau particularly don't like that post because it is clearly about you and kau nak terasa lebihlebih kann? lol.

I feel like it has been a while since I write something in BM in my blog.

Oh well, ada masalah ke bro? Kesian. hikhik adios!

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Hello Beautiful 2013!

2013, people. What have you achieved so far?
It is the 19th day of the new year, how has it been treating you?

2013 had been a good start for me, Alhamdulillah. I am still standing, still breathing, still growing some body tissues and perhaps some fat. I am on my semester break now, which I think pretty awesome. It feels like 2013 is giving me a break from the awful and exhausting 2012. But I am told not to whine. Everything has it good and bad part. 2012 had been good to me in some ways too. Pretty sure of that. There are still some things that can make thought of it and smile away. Something worth standing for. I've broken some rules and run through rough roads. But those things that make our lives worth living.

I've learned a lot from the previous year. I fell hard, I failed, I been down on my knees, I sat on that corner and cried for the entire night, I screamed to the pillow for a better day, I fake a smile, I laughed like there's no tomorrow, I got high on chocolates, I went on the craziest road trip, I live. At second thought, those imperfect days that make my life so perfect now. The mistakes, the wrong choice, the wrong decision, the wrong path taken, all of those things that took me to the most incredible journey that I am proud of experiencing.

For the beautiful people who have been reading my blog even after all of these years, I would love to thank each and every one of you. Thank you for spending a bit of your time reading this ridiculous post that I wrote mostly about my life. If you realize I always write emo posts because when I am happy I am too busy living it and basically this is where I let go of my sadness and agony. My blog is a place where I talk to myself and how I tell myself to feel better and to be better. I blogged for myself. I am not blogging for people to read it. I blogged for myself. Not for other people's pleasure or leisure. Mind that. It's just that I don't mind people reading it because sometimes it is good to share your experiences and feelings. Sometimes it makes you/us/me feel like; "so I am not the only one in the world with these awful feelings."

Yes people, you are not the only one with feelings. Other people do too. You are not the only one with problems; some people are facing even bigger piece of shit that life threw to them. Sometimes, there are no use to whine and to feel like the world's biggest problem is on your shoulders. In the end, everybody got makes mistakes, everybody got hurt because we are humans, we have feelings, we are flawed but that is what we are, those imperfections that define ourselves. Keep your heads up, swallow it down and live. Move on. There are better things to look up on ahead of you.

Sometimes, just SOMETIMES, you have to forget what you feel and remember what you deserve. You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. You're on your own, and you know what you know... and you are the one who will decide where to go next.

Take care, beautiful people. :)



p/s : Since I promised Aimanoman I am going to write something about him, here goes nothing: you appear on Twitter at almost every time when I needed some distraction and you will be doing/tweet something for me to laugh on. You are a good friend. Thank you. Stay awesome :3

p/p/s : I have this ask.fm account that you can ask me about anything. I would like it if you drop some nice songs that I can listen to because I am actually getting tired of the same songs. Click here to go to the page. :)

p/p/p/s : I love my best friends.

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This is For You.

Hi. I finally come to write off my final words for you.
How are you?
I know you are doing perfectly fine, happy as you always been. I'm glad. :)

So actually if I were come to think about it, sure we can still be friends. We can settle things like grown ups, and I can still tolerate with my feelings for you if you would've come to your senses and take my feelings into consideration before you decided to break my heart like that. I'll admit that I've missed you. Sometimes just a thought, wondering if you are alright, sometimes just way too much that my heart couldn't bear it.

I am incapable to hate. I, of course, hate what you did, but it takes so much more to make me hate you. After all, you did make me smile, even just for a while, but I have to appreciate that.

Well, I never got the chance to say this so here goes nothing;
Thank you. Thank you, simply for everything. The memories, the fights, the smiles, the laughs, the looking-into-each-other's-eyes moments, the sweet long texts, the  long talk, the all-night skyping, the Love (if there was any) the short idea of 'us'. Thank you for all those and a lot more. I am happy to tell you that there was one day, that I was thinking about you, about all the stupid things we did and said, and I realize that it still could make me smile... and it didn't hurt me anymore. you, your words, your memories, they are all a part of me, they made me who I am now, they cannot bring me down. I choose to let them be a part of me. I choose to be happy.

You are free now, free to live, to laugh, to do whateverthefuckyouwannado, free to love and be happy. I know I used to wish bad things to you but now, I sincerely wish you well. I'll forgive myself for letting me committing mistakes by mistakes, and I forgive you for whatever happens even if you never did to even have the urge to apologize and clear things out with me. I forgive you.

I hope you will finally get grip of  'theloveofyourlife' that you have been talking about. well Charmain retweeted your tweet the other day and I remember reading about this girl on your tweets before I unfollowed you. So please don't think I stalked you, I have no time to, actually. pfft. -.- by the way, make no mistake no more you. keep her. she is one lucky girl because you are beautiful.


So hi, beautiful readers. My name is Suhaida and I am the kind of girl that will choose to dance in the rain and smile while walking through the toughest road because I believe that we all live the pain or the happiness for a reason. We just have to open our hearts to be able to see it.

It takes more than being a bitch to bring me down. I am stronger than you think. Much stronger.

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Together Forever

"we all thought we would be together forever but somewhere between all the arguments and the laughter, we realized that maybe it isn't meant to last forever; that we are meant to move on to become the people we all know we can be, to follow the dreams we have set ourselves. It is time that we all remember what we have been through to get to this place, the people we have known, helped and had help ourselves. These are the memories that last a lifetime. So, maybe we wont be in each others presence forever, but we will be in each other's hearts forever and more."

...you will always be a part of my heart. deep deep deep down inside, I shall bury you there. 

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Half of My Heart.

I keep thinking you’re just going to randomly text me and tell me all the feelings you’ve been hiding. The same ones I have. That you remember all the cute things I did, all the stupid stuff I said. That you’ll just text me and tell me I’m the one you want. The one you keep thinking about. I want you to tell me the only reason you left was because you got scared of the feelings you had or because you wanted me too much. Just anything that would still give me the slightest bit of hope.

...but then I woke up and tell myself; don't be such an idiot. It is hopeless anyway. neither you nor the relationship was worth it. NEITHER. You've made it clear to me. 

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GTFO

I don't blame you.
You are beautiful.
Please, if you want to go, please just leave.
Why you have to find my faults to point?

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Challenge Accepted?

1. Name, please.
Siti Suhaida Sulaiman

2. Approximate Age?
20years and 7days. shit, I'm old. -.-

3. Are you happy in your life?
what's happy? 

4. Do you feel like anything is missing? If so, what do you want?
Everything I've lost. 

5. Do you plan on being a musician/artist/writer?
writer 

6. Do you think you are artistic?
not anymore. 

7. Have you ever tried hard drugs?
no.

8. If so, have they changed your life?
It would've. not in a good way. 

9. What age would you like to die?
now. 

10. Would you let your kids smoke weed?
never a million times

11. Are you an angry person?
generally? yes actually.

12. Do you laugh a lot, but don’t really mean it?
I don't laugh a lot. but when I do, I meant it. 

13. Do you like to think you are popular?
I don't like to think anything. 

14. Describe your most terrifying dream.
being chased by a / a million frogs. 

15. What band would you die to see live?
Train. Simple Plan. 

16. How would you like to die?
quick and painless and devour to God. 

17. What’s your opinion on self-mutilation?
who am I to judge wht people want to do to themselves.

18. Do you believe in capitalism?
what's that? :)

19. Communism?
Communists are assholes.

20. Libertarianism?
Freedom. 

21. Would you rather be an anarchist or a socialite?
anarchist

22. Freedom of speech or controlled society?
freedom of speech.

23. Obama or Bush?
obama. 

24. Would you consider yourself intelligent?
emotionally, maybe. 

25. When was the last time you cried?
few minutes ago. 

26. When was the last time you laughed?
few hours ago when I watch this weird movie that made me feel better. 

27. Who is your last text from?
My unty. Asking if I have texted the guy my grandma wants me to be married with. 

28. What did it say?
"Kaklang, dah message dia ke belum?"

29. Ever had your ass kicked?
yes, by my bestfriend, Chrissy. but most of the time she is too short to reach my ass. 

30. What’s your middle name?
Awesome.

31. Single or taken?
Taken. Taken for granted. 

32. If taken, do you love this person?
sureeeeeeee.

33. If single, what are you looking for in someone?
a man. not an asshole. 

34. Sex or love?
seriously, how can anyone have sex without love?

35. Who is your best friend?
ASN. BSSJ. CJN. MKA.

36. Why is this person your best friend?
they make me feel better just by having them around me. 

37. Are you moody?
abit. maybe. 

38. Are you depressed?
I'm a depressed animal. but I am learning to shake it off. 

39. What do you think of abortion?
Against. 

40. Are you in a good mood today?
no. not really. maybe for a while when I have this crazy moments with lil bros and funny tweet conversation with friends. 

41. If not, why are you not?
Because I am a depressed animal. 

42. Are you afraid of the swine flu?
idgaf.

43. Are you afraid to be yourself?
maybe. a bit. yeah. 

44. What would you label yourself?
Undefinable. 

45. Do you live with your parents?
yes. 

46. How many siblings do you have?
two insanely good looking yet practically useless elder brothers and two amazingly annoying lil brothers. choose. 

47. Do you wear skinny jeans?
sometimes. 

48. Are you emo?
a lot of time. I'm trying to shake it off. 

49. Are you aware that all emo kids look exactly the same?
this makes me wanna rethink about the previous question. emo emotionally or physically? o.O
oh btw, yes I do aware. 

50.Are you a hater?
I WISH I know how to hate. 

51. Are you anti-rasict?
what is race? 

52. Explain your personality in 3 word.
Sensitive. Deep. Dreamer. 

53. What do you wish your name was?
eff this. I love my name.

54. How old do you want to be when you get married?
26.

55. What do you want to name your kids?
Girl- Dian Nasuha
Boy- Naufal

56. What kind of hairstyle do you want?
long and straight but wavy. hew hew

57. When was the last time you brushed your teeth?
20 minutes ago.

58. What are you wearing right now?
really?

59. Say something random.
I miss you.

60. What do you wear to bed?
depends. 

61. What color is your underwear?
-.-

62. Am I getting too personal?
tell me about it. 

63. What’s your view on nihilism?
WHAT IS THAT 

64. Pacifism?
okaybye.

65. Do you think the drug culture is misunderstood?
I dont care.

66. Are you a fan of Hunter S Thompson?
dont know who's that.

67. Do you read literature?
depends.

68. Do you love horror movies?
I do. but yea...

69. What’s your favourite one?
Exorcism of Emily Rose.

70. Do you like comedies?
not the one with stupid sick jokes.

71. Are you a smoker?
no.

72. Do you smoke cigars/cigarillos?
no.

73. Do you have anger problems?
yes.

74. Do you know someone who has a mental illness?
no.

75. Have you had someone close to you die of cancer?
yes. my dad's bos' wife. she made the best baked macaroni that I missed till now.  

76. What do you want to be next Halloween?
nothing.

77. What grade are you in?
seriously? dont make me feel old.

78. When do you graduate?
school? 2 and a half years ago.

79. Do you talk to yourself?
when I am depressed. yes. all the time. 

80. What color are your toenails?
I dont paint my nails. 

81. Has anyone ever told you you have a nice smile?
sure. 

82. Nice eyes?
not my best quality. sepet a bit. though I actually hate small eyes.

83. Ever broken a bone?
broken arm once. yea.

84. Got a black eye?
no.

85. Nose bleed?
no.

86. Ever been so mad you cried?
yes.

87. What’s your favourite quote?
don't get mad. get even. 

88. Are you listening to anything right now?
yes. someone is being a bitch. 

89. What are you addicted to?
sadness.

90. Do you like silver hair?
seriously?

91. Would you ever fight a famous boxer?
no. i might die. 

92. Could you take on kimbo slice?
i dont know whats that.

93.Can you even fist fight?
erm. i guess.

94. Do you work out?
haha. no. 

95. Are you in good physical condition?
Alhamdulillah.

96. Do you get creeped out by puppets?
no.

97. If you could be any celebrity by one day, who would you be?
Taylor Swift.

98. Do you have any phobias?
Frogs. 

99. Ever been mauled by a wild animal?
no. 

100. Do you think you could be a Suicide Girl?
-.-

101. What about a playboy bunny?
not interested. 

102. Are you an insomniac?
sometimes.

103. Do you take birth control?
why would I?

104. Are these questions pointless?
definitely. but wth, they're killing time.

105. Favourite color?
white and red.

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Happy.

My life is empty.
Totally empty.

I look around me and there is no one I can tell that actually cares about me the way they said they do.
No one.
Look, I am not here to whine about the people that hasn't been there for me whenever I need them the most.
I am not here to whine about anything.
I am just here to find myself.
The one that has gone.
Gone.

20 years of living, Suhaida, what have I achieved?

I woke up everyday and stare at my empty screened laptop because there are usually someone there that I always woke up to.
I woke up everyday, made myself a cup of Milo and trying to smile because there's a book telling me to do that for a better day.
I woke up every single effing day and ask myself, is this going to stay forever?
This awful feeling,
the fact that I have to pretend every single day that I am happy to actually be happy?
the moments when I have to beg myself to stop crying and be strong and wipe my own tears and tell myself that everything is going to be okay?
How long will I have to go through this?

I know shit happens to everybody.
I know that Allah put us in misery to test our patience and see how we handle things.
I just thought this is a bit too much.
Where am I, who I am, what have I been through.
They are all too much to take.
All I want is a better day for myself.
I want to look myself in the mirror and smile and this time I know that I am not pretending.
for whatever reason at all, I just want to be happy.
I missed myself being happy.
and that is it.
THAT IS IT.
I don't want anything else anymore.
just that.
I just want to be happy.
That's all.

I have to break free from the chains that bind me.
I am the solutions to my own problems.
I am the one in the whole world that can myself and my life better.
Just me.
I have to learn to not count on anyone else to be happy.

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Don't feel bad.

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