Happy.

My life is empty.
Totally empty.

I look around me and there is no one I can tell that actually cares about me the way they said they do.
No one.
Look, I am not here to whine about the people that hasn't been there for me whenever I need them the most.
I am not here to whine about anything.
I am just here to find myself.
The one that has gone.
Gone.

20 years of living, Suhaida, what have I achieved?

I woke up everyday and stare at my empty screened laptop because there are usually someone there that I always woke up to.
I woke up everyday, made myself a cup of Milo and trying to smile because there's a book telling me to do that for a better day.
I woke up every single effing day and ask myself, is this going to stay forever?
This awful feeling,
the fact that I have to pretend every single day that I am happy to actually be happy?
the moments when I have to beg myself to stop crying and be strong and wipe my own tears and tell myself that everything is going to be okay?
How long will I have to go through this?

I know shit happens to everybody.
I know that Allah put us in misery to test our patience and see how we handle things.
I just thought this is a bit too much.
Where am I, who I am, what have I been through.
They are all too much to take.
All I want is a better day for myself.
I want to look myself in the mirror and smile and this time I know that I am not pretending.
for whatever reason at all, I just want to be happy.
I missed myself being happy.
and that is it.
THAT IS IT.
I don't want anything else anymore.
just that.
I just want to be happy.
That's all.

I have to break free from the chains that bind me.
I am the solutions to my own problems.
I am the one in the whole world that can myself and my life better.
Just me.
I have to learn to not count on anyone else to be happy.