The Beginning

It was more than a year ago, I remember how I was so lost trying to find my ways through the new town. I remember of the lonesome feeling, cruising away with alternative transport and my own pair of feet to study the new road and new people. I remember how I walk alone by the roadside wondering if there's anyone out there will ever notice me. I remember how I cried on the train because I fell asleep and missed my stop and how my leg was aching from the long, long walk.

I still remember more than a year ago, when I first saw you. I still remember how your face was so familiar, like in one of those dreams I had. When we finally become friends, I can't help myself from thinking how do you feel about me. If you like to talk to me as how I love to talk to you. If you find me attractive and charming as how I always thought of you.

To have to know you at all is a blessing. You showed me the right path. You, of all people have showed me how strong I am, how strong I have been. You have been with me all through the ups and downs and you walk me through it. And then I realize that I never had to walk alone any more.

There was a couple of times when I caught myself smiling by myself thinking about how my life has changed because of you. How silly I was for questioning the meaning of love, when now I am screaming in my head that I love you.

I love you.

We hardly gotten the hang of selfies. We never learned how to colour co-ordinate our clothes on a regular basis. We don’t have a “couple name”. We don’t always finish each other’s sentences and sometimes we have NO idea what the other is thinking. We don’t write on each other’s walls. We never post pics of entwined fingers or feet in Instagram-worthy humblebrags of our escapades and expeditions.

But

I know that in every email and every Whatsapp message he sends there will be an “I love you.”

I know he thinks I’m beautiful because whenever he looks at me, his eyes still melt into that liquid love look they wore from the very beginning of us . In his eyes are the secrets for every unwanted pound, and skin or hair issue. They say: what issue? You look perfect to me. And I like that.

He knows I love him, because I never stop telling him.

He knows I think he’s gorgeous, and that my heart still skips when I see him.

He sees me blush, still, when he winks at me from across a room.

He knows I believe in him to the degree that won’t ever let him get comfortable with where he’s at because there’s so much more ahead.

He knows I respect him, because I won’t roll my eyes, snark or ‘passive-aggressive’ my way through the real issues that must arise in any relationship. I won’t talk badly about him to my family or friends. 

We know how to argue productively, so that we never doubt the worth of each to the other, the weight of one issue over another, the strength of one passion against the other.

We know how to apologize.

We know how to laugh. At ourselves, at each other, with the overwhelming joy of our lives, and even through the crushing blows.

We know how to pray.

We know there’s nothing one could need that the other wouldn’t go to the ends of the world to provide.

We choose time and time again to forgive. To forget. To laugh. To forgive. To trust.

My heart is in a safe space when it’s in his hands.

His heart has no fear from mine.

This is for the first 365days we had together, baby. 

This is also for more years to come.

p/s : remember the time when we first fall for each other? I could never imagine myself with anyone else ever since.
p/p/s: À toi, pour toujours means "forever yours" don't go and google translate it. -.- noying. 

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Deeper Conversation

She woke up every morning with the desire to do right,
to be a good and meaningful person,
to be, as simple as it sounded and as impossible as it actually was;
to be happy.
And during the course of each day her heart would descend from her chest into her stomach.

By early afternoon she was overcome by the feeling that nothing was right,
or nothing was right for her,
and by the desire to be alone.

By evening she was fulfilled,
alone in the magnitude of her grief,
alone in her aimless guilt,
alone even in her loneliness.

"I am not sad,"
she would repeat to herself over and over,
I am not sad.
As if she might one day convince herself,
or fool herself,
or convince others as the only thing worse than being sad is for others to know that you are sad.
Because her life had unlimited potential of happiness yet insofar it was an empty white room.
She would fall asleep with her heart at the foot of her bed,
like some domesticated animal that was no part of her at all,
and each  morning she would wake with it again in the cupboard of her rib cage;
having become a little heavier,
a little weaker,
but still pumping.

And by the afternoon, she was again overcome with the desire to be somewhere else,
someone else,
someone else somewhere else.

I am not sad.

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The Heart Speaks

I want you.
I want your sleepy confused look when you wake up.
I want to drink tea with you, share some records we find.
I want to talk about everything in the world newspapers.
I want to discuss with you, to be stubborn and quick-witted with you.
I want to have differences between us.
I want your flaws. All of them.
I want go into the deepest corners of your mind and never get bored of you.
I want to be surprised by the new all the time.
I want to look at you like a movie, a living piece of art; always trying to chase what you crave … and capture you.

I want you to be mine and only mine. I will never give up on you. That I promise you.

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How To Be a Bitch

Bitch in this context is obviously not a female dog nor I meant it vulgarly or as an insult.
In a feminine context, it can indicate a strong and an assertive woman; one that makes men feel threatened.

Are you one of those people who puts the needs of others first and your needs last?
Do you find yourself saying "yes" when you mean "no"?
Are you overextending yourself to others?
If so, then you are probably too nice for your own good. Instead of bringing the love and acceptance you crave, this behavior may attract people who will exploit you.

It is indeed true that people will value niceness in others. However, if your way of being nice is to suppress your own needs constantly, you have to do something about it. If you always put the needs of others first, and your own needs last, if you don't speak out your opinion, preferences or even when your own needs are ignored, then you are being too nice for your own good.

A person who wont state their opinions or preferences may think they are being nice, but this is not niceness, this is a form of fearfulness and a lack of self-respect. Some people develop the trait of never asking for what they want because they were raised in a family where expressing wants or opinions was discouraged, or even disallowed or might encounter unfavorable feelings afterwards; such as guilt or feeling that you are such a burden. They may have been literally taught that they shouldn't speak up, that they shouldn't want anything for themselves and that everyone else's opinion mattered more than theirs.

The majority of women who have been called a bitch have possessed strength, courage and used their minds to create positions of power. they have made tough decisions and may not always be agreeable to everyone who works for them. Men who possess these qualities are not seen as bitches but instead as a strong, tough leaders who everyone respects.

So why can't this title be applied to women as well?

If being a bitch means that you are a woman who demands respect, who is forced to be reckoned with in business and in life, then why can't we use the term bitch as a new type of modern compliment?

Be assertive.

Show your confidence when you talk to people especially when you are standing up for yourself after you have felt insulted or disrespect. But be a bitch with class; stay positive. Counter their opinion with a forceful personality but maintain the positive vibe.

Be your body-shape.

Be thin. If you are going to be a bitch, you need to have the sort of figure that makes people think you are self-absorbed probably because you work out and try to eat healthy. Be fat, who gives a f*ck with what people think of you because if you are fat, you are clearly doing something that you want.You eat what you want and if you get fat, so be it. What's the point of pleasing the eyes of people who you don't even like? And of course, you can be neither fat nor thin. Good thing here is that you don't have to pick sides, like nothing is wrong with you. You are making it difficult for people to classify you and that makes you a bitch.

Compliment yourself.

Oh what the hell. Look in the mirror and compliment yourself. Tell yourself how awesome you turn up to be. Tell yourself that you are a strong and beautiful lady. Love what you see in the mirror. Doesn't matter if you are over-sized, if you have a bad hair or an awfully retarded nose, give yourself a compliment. Because at the end of the day, the only person who can really makes you the person you really want to be is yourself - which is also the person who stands in your way. You choose. 

Stand up for what you want.

Nice girls try to get others to like them, hoping that by doing so people will then give them what they want. Bitches take what they want and don't need to be at the beck and call of some else because most of the time, people that keep up with the nice girls generally end up taking advantage of their niceness instead of rewarding them.

Don't put up with any bullshit.

The bitch does things differently - her own way. A bitch must not willing to take any bullshit from anyone else and we must not hesitate to tell them so. This makes people respect us more - transparency.

Being a bitch here is not about being unkind to others nor a post to teach you in man-hating. And of course, this could apply for both men and women. In fact, it has absolutely nothing to do with other people and everything to do with one's self and one's own personal nature. Being a bitch also doesn't automatically mean that you are an evil person. In this case, it simply means that you are bold and brazen enough to assert yourself and your needs. 

Keep your heads up ladies, it is about time to look up for ourselves. If you believe that being nice means never asking for anything for yourself, it is important to learn to pay attention to your needs, to respect yourself and to ask for what you want and need. Take your turn making decision with others. Make your needs and preferences heard. If you find your wishes are always being ignored, take a close look at why this is happening and see how you can change it.

Good day beautiful people. :) 

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Him♥

Nothing beats the feeling of being in love. To have someone who you can proudly call yours. To wake up everyday knowing that you have someone who loves you with all he has. It is the best feelings, when you realize that he understands you thoroughly and handles you better than you handle yourself. I have never felt so much love from anyone before, neither I have had love anyone the way I love him. It is an extraordinary feelings; to fall in love with him. It is like I never did loved anyone before because with him, it is different. Much more different.

Nothing beats the feeling of being with him. Nothing really. I felt safe. I found peace when I am in his arms. I felt vulnerable that even though I keep my words and bury them right within my heart, he could still read me up like an open book. I could be my genuine self and no matter how flawed I am, he would still stuck around, being weird together. Being with him is like being in a totally different dimension; as if I was made beneath his arms to be protected and he was created near my heart to be loved.

It never had felt this right, never am I so sure about the future but with him, I am sure. I believe that we are going to grow old together, travel the world and stay with each other through thick and thin. I never have had feel so happy, I never felt so glad, never feel so thankful for what God has given me. I never felt so insecure, be so afraid of losing someone that I would give up my chocolates just to keep him.

What am I supposed to do when he turns up to be exactly the person I want to be with?
How am I supposed to resist when he looks like an angel when he stares at me?

NMITW,
One thing I am sure of is that I would never give up on you, I will never give up on us.
You are my best friend,
my human diary,
my other half...
you meant the world to me and I love you sfdm.

My other half? - I feel like this is a sloppy understatement of what it is.
What exactly are you, really? Please, do enlighten me.

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Here

I will always be here for you.
Always.
When you were angry or sad, or filled up with jealousy,
when you feel insecure,
when you frown,
when you are uncertain,
even when you push me away, I would still be here.
When there are difficulties,
when life is being a bitch,
when there are barriers or boundaries,
I would stay by your side.
I would still be here.
I will be here because I know how we can make each other happy,
and I will be here just to remind you how happy you made me feel.
I will be here because I know that I don't want anyone else but you.
I never will.
It will always be you.
Always.

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Deep Shallow.

The tear drops run down
and fall to her nose
she cries in the dark corner
that nobody goes.
You can follow her tracks
from her eyes to her chin.
Years upon years
of letting them win.
And her eyes tell a story
of anger and pain.
you think that she's happy,
but just look again.
All the scars of her past,
hidden under her clothes
are a roadmap to places
that nobody knows.
Her smiles are now painted,
she is a master of disguise.
And you can see it all,
just look into her eyes.

-eh.

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Unbreakable

Why do we find shelter in the rain if it is a blessing from The Almighty?
Why do we hide from the sun if sunlight is what we are looking for in gloomy days?
Why are we afraid of the dark when we know that the moon and stars can't shine without it?
Why do we do things we know it is wrong but we do it anyway?
Why do we do such things to hurt people, hurt ourselves?
Why do we do things without thinking and when we think back about it, it was wrong in every way?
Why do we keep doing that?
Why do you think?
Why do you still use the knife when you know it can hurt you?

Feelings.
They are temporary.
We long for the sun on rainy days but then we hide from it when it appears.
When we get it, it feels different, we want different things already.
Some feelings are temporary.
Because things change, people change, situation change.
Some stays. Because it is meant to be.
Like love, and family and friends.
They are unbreakable bonds that gave you a slightly different kind of feelings.
Something stronger and real and certain.
But only you can tell which one is stronger,
Or which one that is just... temporary.

Look around you, everyone. Take a closer look at everybody.
Everyone makes mistakes, and then regret it.
You don't want to be just like one of them.
I don't want you to be.
This is temporary.
Hang on there.
Let the stronger feelings get grip of your heart.
You will see that it worth the wait.
It worth to hold on to what you have now.

I'll be fine.
We will be okay. I promise.

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The Harsh Truth.

You know the moment when you have finally understand something?
Understand why you are afraid and find it hard to trust yourself?
Understand why there are the searing pain every time, all the time, that before this you never understand why and what is the cause?

This is the moment when I have finally understand why.

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Never Try Hard Enough

when I was younger, I was often told;

"you are not trying hard enough!"

It used to make me angry. I would think:

"How do you know?!"

"How can you measure my effort?!"

But at the end of the day, I would still believe;

"They are right."

To this day, despite myself, 

I still do believe it. 

It was engraved into me that success is something earned.

if you succeed, you did that. 

if you don't succeed, you did that too!

No excuses.

No exceptions. 

And yet, nonetheless, the consolation prize received when things don't work out. 

"It is not your fault."

"Life is unfair."

I mean, how can both be true?

"It is not my fault...  but it is my fault?"

This is something I always wonder. 

Either the karmic system exists

That's all that there is to it. 

You can't tell me it does.

Because for some people, they feed on people's misery and they are fine. 

But there is not enough for me to believe it, 

Does it, or doesn't it?

It is a nice sentiment, but I still can't decide. 

All I know is I (think) I've try hard (did I).

Always give 100% or nothing at all. 

and if I fail, it is my fault. 

because anything less than 100% is nothing at all. 

and often, that is why I cry. 

"I sucked."

"I failed."

"I'm worthless."

"Should have try harder"

But I guess it was all just always;

NEVER TRYING HARD ENOUGH. 

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